Anyone catch the number on that shopping cart?

My new Sunday morning ritual is as follows: wake up hard at 10 sharp with cotton mouth, replay the night ’til 10:20, try to fill in my checklist, guzzle a glass of water. Not a bad routine if I say so myself, and it makes for some early morning cardio for the ol’ grey stuff.

We’ll start with the checklist:

Am I in a place I know?

Do I have my wallet?

Keys?

Phone?

Dignity?

Here’s the night:

How did it start? I got dressed up nice and shiny. Missed BB’s volleyball game, but showed up just in time for a hug, congratulations and a wave to her mom. Low fat single latte and crossword puzzles in Starbucks while waiting for Jon. Hopped in Mike’s new beamer. $40 for all night parking. Elevator to Top Of The Mark. $14 martinis (3 olives) and $6 bowl of mixed nuts. Cougar hunting. Shot the shit.

Thai food? Thai massage. Indian food? Chicken curry. Anti-Saloon League. Too hot and too crowded. Up a long hill to the car. Shotgun! Found Bigfoot on Polk St. Too hot and too crowded. Went home.

Went to the market. What did I buy? Bread? Left the store. Once outside, realized the cashier gave me a $100 instead of a $10. Held the hundo in front of my face as I contemplated returning it. Realized her register would be short and she’d probably have to make up the difference. Realized she was working at a grocery store at 2:30 in the am. Decided she needed it more than I did. Turned to walk back into the store… Punched in the face by a bum! Watched him run away with a hundred bones and my dignity.

Woke up.

So…

Am I in a place I know? Check.

Do I have my wallet? Check.

Keys? Yes.

Phone? Affirmative.

Dignity? Nope!

Story to tell? Heck yes!

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3 Comments on “Anyone catch the number on that shopping cart?”

  1. Dave Says:

    Jesus!! That is a crazy story indeed. It really goes along with my daddy’s wisdom – “Don’t do good deeds, son. Because every time you try to, a bum will come up and punch you in the face.” Sorry man.

  2. danwalsh Says:

    Wow, that’s incredibly poignant and insightful. Your dad’s a smart fella!

  3. Dave Says:

    You’re goddamn right he is.


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